.an emotional detachment.

assalamualaikum readers!

well, i did say we planned to do things differently this time. so, we did. besides me staying in ipoh to lessen the risk of travelling to the embryo, we also tried a few other things.

i tried to stay emotionally happy by avoiding any stressful thoughts or events so that my physical is not compromised. i tried not to do any vigorous activities because friends who had pregnancy experiences told me that even sweeping the floor and driving should be avoided (in my case).

as what had happened before, i have the same thoughts and feeling of being pregnant. there is an embryo inside of me, right? a successfully fertilized egg to be exact. am i not technically pregnant?

.some of the medications.

i consumed all the required supplements, 

received jabs every three days,

watched my diet (though my appetite changed a bit),

careful with my movements,

performed my prayers and zikir solemnly (i'd like to think so),

talked and poured my concerns to Allah,

avoided all gadgets,

engaged in all my favorites things to do.

we tried everything humanly possible but in the end,

it is all up to Allah swt.

we tried and we put trust in Him.

in the morning of 28th september, we went to the clinic so i could get my blood tested to confirm whether the pregnancy was successful or not. we were then told to come back at noon to review the result with our doctor.

the photo below was the one ejal shared on his facebook page with a posting mentioning that our third try also failed. yes, we failed. again. our doctor seemed dumbfounded with the blood test result.

.the last day.

everything was perfect, he said.

the body is healthy.

the womb is well prepared with medications/supplement.

the embryo is cultivated to a desired outcome.

a different method than the last one was used during FET.

but still....

as the appointment was on monday,

he asked whether i need a medical certificate

for the rest of the week.

he asked whether i need time to rest physically and mentally.

i felt fine at that very moment.

neither physical nor emotional pain.

i guess, i detached myself from the situation.

a defense mechanism, maybe?

i asked for only one day off from work. however, the next day i woke up with pain. my back, legs, arms, neck and nether regions. we called the clinic and a nurse said that that's normal. normal after i stopped taking the medications. normal for the next stage of my body rejecting the embryo.

later, i took a few more days off from work. my feelings were okay but i was hurting physically. the floodgate of tears only came a few weeks later. while we were in the car, in heavy traffic, out of nowhere. weird, ain't it? ejal let me sobbed. let it all out without saying anything. then, all is well. back to work!

should we try again?

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thank you for reading!