Monday, September 7, 2015

.the hollowness i felt.


20th march
it’s the 18th day of my “home-arrest”. since a few days ago, i’ve been feeling a bit off. the weather is too hot. sitting too long is painful. my back is killing me.....
that’s an entry on day 18th of my 3-week sick leave. we were to meet my doctor on the 21st day to check whether the FET was a success or not. with all the signs and symptoms that i experienced, my husband and i were quite sure that it was a success.

we thought of ways for me to reduce my movement at work.
we changed the living room into our bedroom.
i had mood swings.
i spent my time Googling signs of pregnancy.
i googled the growth process of babies.
i occasionally check the size of my ‘baby bump’
in the reflection of my kitchen cabinet.

that’s how silly i was!
i know you can’t see any outward changes in 3 weeks
because the size of the eggs were too small.
i just wished so hard that they were growing healthily inside me.

we went to the clinic on 23rd march as instructed.
they tested my hCG level.
i waited and waited.
the pee stick revealed only 1 line.
they scanned my uterus and can't see anything.
they calmed me by saying it's too early to be sure.
they asked me to come back the next day
to personally meet the doctor.

the result was still the same....

.it's negative, people. negative.

do you feel me?
thank you for reading!


Fellow said...

"And when the rain blows, as shadows grow close don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say I can make it through the rain"

Mariah Carey kirim salam

syitah said...

they don't always happen when you ask
and its easy to give in to your fears
but when you're blinded by your pain
can't see the way, get through the rain..

kirim salam balik..

Adianem Abu said...

Be strong syitah...insyaAllah rezeki akan ada utk syitah n ejal =).

syitah said...

inshaAllah :)