.back-up plan.

i cried earlier today. it was a strange feeling that suddenly crawled inside me and pushed the sunny ray out of my heart. okay. i lied. it wasn’t something so sudden. i had just finished reading an entry in a blog. years back, she had lost 25 kgs!!! she was married a few months ago and now……she is pregnant.


on thursday, a colleague gave me three ulas of jackfruit with a piece of paper that has verses of doas on it. she said, eat the fruit, selawat and recite the doa. it helped with her sister being pregnant, she said. i drove home, read the doa and realized i had been practicing it all this while, reciting it after every prayer.

and on wednesday, i held one of my colleague’s baby and wished jokingly in front of others that i was ‘ambil berkat’. i guess that’s what triggered the idea of my colleague giving me the jackfruit. but i wasn’t joking when i wrote i was.

how funny life makes you feel. or people around you. at this particular moment, i feel i have not accomplished anything in my life just because i don’t have any child after almost three years of marriage.

i don’t want to hear about being redha (because i am), go see that doctor (because we did), you’re still young or try this product or that. i just want to say that it hurts when i see you with your child or children and i don’t have any.

there. i said it.

when i cried, my husband consoled me and said this is getting serious no? we’ll try harder okay? tonight let’s eat chicken chop. hahaha. i love you sayang.

all is well with the world!

.kami, kalau ade anak nanti hehe.

bye!

p/s: though i said i’ve gained weight, i’m actually losing some = 3 kgs. alhamdulillah tak naik but it ain’t going further down than that! more reasons to be depressed.

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thank you for reading!